Introducing Kashiki -Licensed To Kill…in THE KASHIKI CHRONICLES

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By Bratelli Lupokoma

Hello reader!
My name is Kashiki.
I am thrilled to be afforded a column in the Rainbow Newspaper.
Let me give you ka free leakage: there is nothing ‘rainbowish’ about me, as half the people that associate with me as per manufacturers instructions usually end up in ashes. In simple terms, I kill half the number of those that befriend me.
Im sure by now you must think I am a bit of an oddity. I admit i am quite weird actually, but don’t worry, I’ve been normalised – or rather, my existence has been cleverly crafted to seem ordinary. You see, my entire life has been a masterclass in making the abnormal seem normal. I’ve been packaged, marketed, and sold as a harmless indulgence, a mere pleasure. But trust me, I’m anything but harmless. I’m a ticking time bomb of toxins, a silent killer in a sleek disguise.
And yet, I’ve become an accepted part of our culture, a subtle ubiquitous presence in Zambian lives.
Enough with the small talk, so let’s get more acquainted, shall we? Well, I’m Kashiki, the cigarette with a secret: I’m not as harmless as I seem.
Over the years I’ve gone by so many names, “gwai” “dobo” “scave” “Peter”.
My arrival into this world was nothing short of a spectacle. I made my grand entrance in the bustling labor ward of a colossal factory owned by Ba Zungu Tobacco (BZT) nestled right in the chaotic Matenda Facilitating Epidemic Zone (MaFEZ). This once-promising area of Lusaka, hailed as a beacon of economic growth, has now morphed into a breeding ground for addiction, all thanks to my mid wives -the Fwaka Industry’s iron grip. It now facilitates what is known in local parlance as “Matenda”or “Malwele” which both mean “Malady” or disease. So take your pick, i suppose that area could be called Malady Furthering Epidemic Zoo or Malwele Facilitating Epidemic Zone.
Reflecting on my birth, I realise that I’m not just an individual, but one of millions of mass-produced clones. My “birth” was just one of many that took place on that fateful day in 2018, when Ba Zungu Tobacco, in cahoots with the leaders of pa Zed established this vast factory of addiction.
I’ve come to understand that my creators, BZT, were banished from their lands of origin after their disease-inducing products were discovered to be more epidemically than economically inclined. They exploited the poverty-filled minds of some ‘pooritishans’ pa-Zed, taking advantage of gaps in the country’s public health policies. That’s how they ended up in the MaFEZ.
As I lay in the nursery at Ba Bazungu Tobacco, wrapped snugly in a white paper blanket, my light brown backside aptly called “butt” was left prominently exposed. Ah, behold the spectacle of my brown rear end! What a curious sight it is! My cheeky posterior is like a grenade, packed with over 7,000 lethal chemicals that could knock out an entire herd of elephants in the lower Zambezi without breaking a sweat. Yet, here I am, a symbol of the peculiar habit of butt-puffing that has hooked a whole generation of Zambian children. BZT has turned this oddity of my explosive butt infusing cancer -causing chemicals into the mouths and lungs of Zambia’s youth and school going children into a thriving business, transforming a scandal into a way of life.
Experts from WHO and “Zed-Boma” through Ministry of Health did an investigation where they reported me for killing twenty people per day. So they now want to monitor and regulate me (including my butt) through something called ‘WHO-FCTC” and “passing of Tobacco Control Bill’
But hey, who cares!
Thanks to the fat purses of my midwives, the abnormal pa Zed has become normal!
I retain my license to kill twenty Zambians per day.