WITHDRAWAL OF USAID HEALTH SUPPORT: KASHIKI INTERVIEWS DONADI TURAMPU

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By Bratelli Lupokoma
Greetings from our humble abode nestled in the Matenda Facilitating Epidemic Zone (MaFEZ). This is the proud territory of Ba Zungu Tobacco (BZT) and the ever-expanding Kashiki clan, where the air is thick with ambitions to addict kapyopyos, and the scent of tobacco wafts like a sweet irresistible poison.
So Mutompehi bo Donadi Turampu, the great Paramount Chief of the Ba-Zungu Kingdom of the tribe of the Red, White, and Blue, from his throne thousands of kilometers away in the great village of ‘Merikah, has suddenly decided to pick his remote and switch off the life support to Zambia’s health system.
Zambia has depended on international donor funding for its healthcare system for many years.
The Health Financing Progress Matrix Assessment Zambia 2024 shows that almost 40% of the country’s health budget comes from external aid. The recent announcement by bo Turampu to cut off foreign health aid and bid farewell to the World Health Organization (WHO) has sent ripples of disbelief through the corridors of developing nations, with Zambia standing at the forefront of this bewilderment.
This situation raises an important question: should we be sad about losing this support, or is it a chance for Zambia to finally create a self-sufficient healthcare system? Has relying on aid for so long harmed African countries by hindering innovation and local solutions in favor of depending on outside help?
Reader, I don’t know what your opinion is, but I got in touch with Eloni Masiki bo Turampu’s right-hand man seeking a video interview with the great Paramount Chief of the Ba-Zungu Kingdom, to get his opinion specifically on the land of work and joy in unity.
After a few pleasantries this is what bo Donadi Turampu said:
I’m just sitting here, scratching my head, or what’s left of it, trying to make sense of what’s going on in Zambia. They’ve got this Multifacility Economic Zone, MFEZ, and what are they cranking out? All the unhealthy junk that’s just awful for folks, like kashikis—yeah, that’s their fancy word for cigarettes. Can you believe it? No wonder it is more like the “Malady Facilitating Zone” or like I heard somewhere Matenda Facilitating Zone –MaFEZ.
Honestly, what in the world are they thinking, handing out tax breaks and holidays to the people making this trash? Tobacco barely makes a dent in the Zambian GDP, yet the government is throwing millions—yes, millions—of American dollars through USAID to fix the health mess caused by tobacco. It’s like a bad joke, folks. I’m not impressed. They’re really milking America’s generosity.

They’re pushing companies like BaZungu Tobacco—BZT, for short—to pump out these cancer sticks that are wrecking their own people’s health, and then they expect help from America while squandering hard-earned taxpayer money to clean up public health disasters of their own making. What kind of logic is that? Taking American generosity for granted! Do they think we’re fools?

They say they want to attract investors and create jobs, but I’m left scratching my head about what kind of jobs we’re talking about. Thanks to kashikis, vaping, and shisha, young people in Zambia are now dealing with diseases that used to be for the old-timers—hypertension, diabetes, you name it. American tax dollars are actually being used to tackle libido issues among their youth. Can you believe it? A shocking number of young men and women in Zambia are facing reproductive problems, all tied to smoking. It’s a big problem, folks! So what kind of workforce is tobacco building here? An unhealthy one, that’s for sure. What jobs does the tobacco industry even create? Jobs that hurt people? I don’t think that’s the way to go.
So here’s a little advice for the Zambian government: maybe take a step back and rethink this whole situation. Repurpose the MFEZ. Focus on creating positive things that actually help people instead of harming them -like establishing humungous Pharmaceutical companies to make your own medicines that can help even the greater African region in a bigly way and make Zambia great again!

Well, you’ve heard for yourself, according to bo Turampu, It is a bizarre situation, but being a proud member of the government-pampered Kashiki clan, I’m not complaining. As a cigarette, my goal is to sell as many of myself as possible, regardless of the human cost.
After all, those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter, don’t mind. – Edition 148 Rainbow Newspaper Zambia Limited (RNZL)